Reconciliation Following a Marital Separation

Anytime marital issues arise, separation would not be my go-to solution; however, I am in favor of separation as an option to consider before making the decision to get divorced. Of course, none of us get married with the intention to embark upon separation or divorce, but the reality is, life happens, and we may find ourselves at one of these crossroads. If separation is the path you are currently on, I want to share five tips that if implemented with intention can lead to reconciliation.

1. Clearly Communicate Your Marital Goals

Regardless of the cause of your separation, at the onset of the decision it is critical to communicate the goals and intentions for your marriage. The process of setting your goals and identifying the intentions for your marriage will vary for couples as the current state of the marriage must be considered first; however, even in acknowledging the state of your marriage, one sure aspect that should not go without being addressed and fully fleshed out is the end goal.  This can be initiated by asking what you and your partner want to see happen for your marriage. Is reconciliation even an option for you or are you and your spouse irretrievably committed to ending the marriage? In most states, you are required to be separated for at least six months to a year before you are able to proceed with divorce. Having this in place allows for couples to potentially explore the space of fostering reconciliation during their separation period. As hopeful as reconciliation sounds, it is understood that for some individuals saving the marriage is not a desire, but regardless of your position, each partner should be clear on the overall intentions for the marriage.

2. Do Not Date Other People While Separated

Though you are separated, you are also still married. The separation period between you and your spouse should not be perceived as a vacation from your marriage. Your separation is not an open opportunity to embark upon new dating ventures. Again, you are separated, but still very married; therefore, dating or pursuing other people should not be permissible. Opening this door only invites the possibility for complications and issues, all in which is the last thing you want to welcome during such a critical time. Let me take it a step further. Entertaining other people of the opposite sex in any form (i.e. phone calls, text messages and other things alike) should not occur either. The engagement with someone other than your spouse can only confuse and disrupt the process. I also strongly stand behind this position even if you have chosen to get divorce. Give yourself, your spouse, your children, and the marriage the respect it deserves and wait until you have dissolved your union before you proceed in exploring anything new. If you have chosen the alternative, the only pursuit should be for your spouse. Take this time to date one another and rekindle the love and friendship that brought you two together.

3. Seek Therapy – Individually and Collectively

I am a huge advocate for therapy. I can personally attest to the fact that the benefits of therapy are greatly significant and impactful if the proper work is being done. One particular benefit of individual therapy during the separation period is that it aids in your healing process. A therapist will provide you with the appropriate tools you need to assess your hurt and any resentment you have in a healthy way. I highly deem individual therapy as a major part of self-care, especially while navigating your separation. This time can be emotionally challenging. In terms of therapy with your spouse, it is important that both parties agree to participate in the therapeutic process and that goes beyond just physically showing up. Showing up is only half the battle, but active work must be your ultimate intention. Additionally, your contribution to therapy must be wrapped in truth as anything outside of that is counterproductive to reconciliation. It is with great hope that therapy amongst couples will ultimately provide trusted guidance, promote reconnection, and gain understanding while offering a safe space for processing any challenging emotions. You and your spouse should be mutually working towards building a healthy and lasting marriage.

4. Be Mindful of Your Words

In your time of separation, it is relatively normal for emotions to fluctuate as well as your frustration level depending upon the nature of your relational dynamic. With this being a very natural human response to stressful situations, I strongly encourage you to remove the term divorce from your vocabulary. I am a firm believer that it is easier to walk away from your marriage than it is to stay and fight the good fight, but I understand how challenging some days may be. There will be days where throwing in the towel seems like the only viable solution, so you tell your spouse “this isn’t working anymore,” “I’m done!” or you may just throw out the “D” word as I like to call it. However, if ending your marriage is not your definitive decision, then do not give any energy to that. The results are damaging, and it provides a sense of instability. When you tell your spouse you want to be divorced when things get hard or go wrong, it fosters an insecurity that should not be present. Your marriage is not disposal and at no point should you or your spouse give that impression to one another.

5. Give It All You Got

Lastly, if there is only one take away from this article, the tip I stand behind more than anything, is to give it everything you have. Show up and fight for your marriage, giving it 100% because your marriage deserves that; it is worth all of that! In my opinion, neither spouse should remove themselves from the marriage without earning their way out. What does that mean? It means this, due to the covenant that you made before God, family, friends, and each other, you have an obligation to do everything you possibly can before initiating the death of a relationship that was meant to give life to you, your children, and your family. Marriage was designed to last a lifetime and it is not only a blessing to you, but to others as well. It is important that if you or your spouse chooses to end the marriage, you want to be able to say that you gave everything you possibly could to help reconcile.

From a personal perspective, I know separation can be a difficult time to navigate, but I encourage you to consider implementing the tips outlined in this article if reconciliation is still an option for you. Let this time be productive. With doing the hard work, leading with love, maintaining open communication, and offering understanding, your marriage will have the fair chance it deserves.